After a really hard weekend, I felt like I needed to share a little bit about the highs and lows, the struggles and the emotions that come with being a Mama of a child who has faced serious illness. Even as I write those words, I find myself feeling guilty for saying “sick child,” because my daughter is healthy today. She received her kidney transplant in 2021. God answered prayers we prayed over and over again. He provided a donor, and He saved her life—more than once. He has given her another chance at life, and she has done amazingly well. She has so much life ahead of her, and I am so incredibly thankful for every bit of it. But being thankful does not mean the fear disappears. Being grateful does not mean the memories disappear. And being a mama does not mean my heart stops hurting when my child hurts.
I know that her life may never feel completely “normal” in the way that other people might experience normal. In her mind, there is always the possibility of the next infection, the next set of labs that may not look right, the possibility of rejection, or some other complication that could come out of nowhere. And as her Mama, when my child struggles, I struggle with her. When she hurts, my heart hurts. Sometimes it feels like I experience it three times over because I would take every bit of it away from her if I could. Walking into an emergency room, a hospital, an urgent care, or even a doctor's office can bring everything rushing back. The sights, the sounds, the memories, and the fear can creep back in until it feels almost crippling. And even as I admit that, I feel guilty, because we have also experienced so much peace. We have experienced so much joy. We have seen God's hand in our lives in ways I could never deny. We have a Father who walks beside us, carries us when we cannot walk ourselves, and gives us comfort when we have absolutely no idea what is coming next.
That doesn't mean the hard moments aren't hard. It just means we don't have to walk through them alone. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We don't know what the next test result will say. We don't know what infection might come next or what challenge we may have to face. But we do know the One who already knows. We can trust the One who holds every answer, even when we don't have a single one. That is where our peace comes from. Not from knowing everything will always be easy, but from knowing Who is with us when it isn't.
This weekend has been one thing after another. Last Thursday, after being sick myself for almost a month, I finally went to the doctor thinking I would probably just get a steroid for this cough that wouldn't go away. Instead, I found out I had pneumonia. And being sick myself has made everything harder. When you're a mama, you don't really think about your own health. At least I don't. I just want to be healthy enough to take care of my daughter, to be there for my kids and grandkids, and to be there for my family. That's what makes my own sickness so frustrating. I need the physical strength to take care of the people I love, and when I'm running on empty myself, I feel the weight of that even more.
Then came the medication struggle. We have been trying to get one of her medications filled through her pharmacy, a medication she needed to take yesterday. Yesterday came and went, and we still couldn't get it. Today, I've spent the morning on the phone trying to figure out where it is, when we can get it, and what we are supposed to do in the meantime. As I write this, I still haven't heard back with an answer. Meanwhile, my daughter is fighting an infection that isn't going to fully heal until her white blood cell count comes up.
So what do you do when you've done everything you know to do?
You pray.
Yesterday, I listened to a sermon about how God hears the murmurs we cry when we can't even find the words to pray. That spoke to my heart so deeply because I cannot tell you how many times God has heard my cries when I couldn't form a complete sentence. There have been moments when all I could do was cry. Moments when my prayer was nothing more than a desperate whisper. Moments when I didn't know what to ask for anymore. And He heard me.
So that's where I am today. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm weak. But He is stronger. He is here. He hears me. He hears this mama's cry. He knows the ache in my heart. He knows the grief I feel when my child is hurting. He knows it in a way that no one else ever could. He holds me while He holds her, and I cannot tell you how many times He has done that for our family.
Our faith doesn't mean that everything suddenly feels easy. We can believe that everything is going to be okay. We can believe in His promises. We can trust that He is working even when we cannot see what He is doing. And still, today can hurt. The moments when we don't have answers can still be painful. The waiting can still be exhausting. The uncertainty can still make your heart race.
God doesn't ask us to pretend those moments don't hurt. I believe He meets us right there in them. And sometimes, He sends people to meet us there, too.
This morning, I spoke with the sweetest pharmacist while trying to get my daughter's medication. He still couldn't get the medicine to me, but somehow, he gave me something I needed just as much in that moment: kindness. I could hear the goodness in his voice. He was patient. He was compassionate. He was trying to help a mama and a child he didn't even know. To him, maybe it was just part of his job. To me, it felt like God reminding me that He sees us. Because throughout this journey, I have experienced that kindness from so many people. Doctors, nurses, technicians, pharmacists, and people we may never see again have shown us compassion in moments when we needed it most. Sometimes God uses another person to give you exactly what your heart needs at the exact moment you need it. A kind word. A little patience. A little encouragement. A reminder that you are not invisible. A reminder that someone sees you.
Maybe that's what someone needs from you today. Maybe you don't have the answer for someone's problem. Maybe you can't fix what they're going through. Maybe you can't make their diagnosis disappear, change their circumstances, or take away their fear. But you can be kind. You can listen. You can offer a little grace. You can remind someone that they aren't alone.
And maybe you're the one who needs that kindness today.
Maybe you're tired. Maybe you're scared. Maybe you're waiting on an answer that hasn't come yet. Maybe you're sitting in a hospital room, waiting on labs. Maybe you're worried about your child. Maybe you're struggling with your own health. Maybe you're simply exhausted from carrying something that no one else can see. I want you to know there is hope. There is peace, even in the middle of uncertainty. There is comfort when you don't understand.
And there is a God who hears the prayer you can't even put into words.
That is one of the reasons I wrote my book in the first place. When God laid that dream on my heart, I believe He gave it to me because there are people walking through difficult seasons who desperately need hope. People who don't know where to turn. People who need to know that they can find peace even when their circumstances haven't changed.
I could never imagine walking through everything our family has walked through without the love of our Savior. I don't know how I would have made it through the hospital stays, the fear, the waiting, the unanswered questions, and the moments when I felt completely broken. But God has met us in every one.
Sometimes through a stranger on the phone. Sometimes through a friend. Sometimes through a song or a sermon. And sometimes, He meets us in the quiet place where all we can do is cry.
Today, I may not have all the answers. I may still be waiting on that medication. My daughter may still be fighting an infection. I may still be tired and recovering from pneumonia. There are still things I don't understand.
But I know this: God is always there.
So, what do you need today? Do you need a little kindness? Do you need hope? Do you need peace?
Do you need someone to remind you that you don't have to carry everything by yourself?
My prayer is that wherever you are today, you will find even a little of what you need. And if you know someone who is hurting, maybe you can be that little bit of kindness for them.
Because even when we are hurting, God can still give us the words to encourage someone else. Even when we are weak, He can still use us. Even when we don't know what comes next, we can trust the One who does.
And sometimes, that is enough for today because God can hold all of your tears as long as you need Him to.